Can You Identify the Attachment Style?
We have been learning about the 4 Types of Attachment Styles and how each one can influence the way people feel, act, react, communicate, and think about themselves in relationships.
Now, let’s look at a few relationship scenarios and see if you can identify which attachment style may be showing up in each one.
The four attachment styles are:
Secure Attachment
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Scenario 1
Sam and Jane have been casually dating for three months. They have gone out to dinner, seen a movie at the theater, and taken hikes in the woods together. They usually meet about once a week, which is how often Sam feels comfortable getting together.
Jane would like to take the relationship to a deeper level. A few days after their last date, she texts Sam and invites him over to her apartment for a homemade dinner.
When Sam receives the text, he immediately feels irritated and annoyed. To him, it feels like Jane is trying to “change the rules” of their relationship.
Rather than telling Jane how he feels and risking conflict, Sam simply texts back:
“Sorry, can’t make it.”
Then he begins wondering whether he should end the relationship because Jane does not seem to be respecting the boundaries he thought were already clear.
What attachment style might Sam be displaying?
Scenario 2
K and Devin have been dating for two weeks. They met online, and K was immediately attracted to Devin’s profile and picture.
After their first date, where they went to hear a country music band, K told their best friend that they might have found “the one.” K actually prefers blues music, but decided to go anyway because they really wanted to meet Devin.
From then on, K texts or calls Devin every evening to see how his day went and to catch up.
On Wednesday, Devin tells K that he is going out with his brother on Thursday and will not be available to talk that night, but that they can talk on Friday or Saturday.
After hanging up the phone, K begins to feel anxious. They cannot eat, sit still, or concentrate. They begin crying and feel deeply sad.
K starts wondering:
What is Devin really doing on Thursday?
Is he dating someone else?
Is he tired of seeing me?
Is he getting ready to end the relationship?
K cannot help it. They text Devin to make sure they are “okay” and that nothing is wrong.
What attachment style does K seem to be displaying?
Scenario 3
Rafael and Sarah have been dating for two months.
Rafael loves to play croquet. He is on a competitive team and is a serious player. He plays with his group most Saturday mornings.
Sarah does not understand the attraction to croquet. She is more of a rock climber and mountain biker. A few times, when they were with friends, Sarah made comments about croquet that came across as somewhat condescending.
Although Sarah was laughing and truly thought she was kidding around, her comments hurt Rafael’s feelings.
Later, when they were alone, Rafael told Sarah how her comments made him feel.
Sarah immediately felt badly about her behavior. She told Rafael that she understood why her comments hurt him, and she promised to stop making them.
Rafael felt relieved that Sarah listened and understood.
What attachment style is being shown in the way this issue was handled?
Scenario 4
Jack and Jill met through mutual friends and started dating four months ago.
Jill was attracted to Jack because he listened closely to what she said, asked thoughtful questions, and was very charming. They always had fun when they went out, and he even bought her small, thoughtful gifts.
Jack was agreeable about going to restaurants Jill wanted to try and listening to live bands she liked. Everything seemed to be going well.
At least, that is what Jill thought.
Then one day, Jill asked Jack to go to a concert, and he did not return her text. She waited all day and into the next day.
Finally, she called to make sure he was okay.
Jack did not answer the phone, but later he texted her and said he thought they should take a break.
A week later, Jack texted Jill again and said he had made a mistake and wanted to continue dating.
Jill felt confused and unsure of what had happened.
What attachment style might Jack be displaying?
Answers
Scenario 1: Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
In Scenario 1, Sam is displaying some characteristics of a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style.
Jane’s invitation to spend more time together feels overwhelming to him. Instead of seeing it as a natural step toward deeper connection, Sam interprets it as Jane changing the rules or pushing past his boundaries.
He may feel that his independence, control, or emotional safety is being threatened.
Because of this, he avoids a direct conversation and begins considering whether to end the relationship instead.
This is common with dismissive avoidant patterns. The person may pull away when closeness begins to feel too demanding or when they fear becoming trapped in the relationship.
Scenario 2: Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
Scenario 2 shows K displaying characteristics of an Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style.
Even though Devin is simply planning to spend time with his brother, K interprets this as a possible sign of rejection or abandonment.
K’s nervous system begins to react as if the relationship is in danger. They begin worrying that Devin may be dating someone else, losing interest, or preparing to leave.
This attachment style is often connected to a deep fear of abandonment. The person may feel that they need frequent reassurance to feel safe in the relationship.
Scenario 3: Secure Attachment
Scenario 3 is an example of Secure Attachment.
Sarah said things that hurt Rafael’s feelings. Instead of running away from the relationship, ignoring his feelings, or becoming aggressive, Rafael expressed himself honestly and respectfully.
Sarah responded in a mature and caring way. She listened, took responsibility, and agreed to change her behavior.
This is what healthy repair can look like in a secure relationship.
Rafael communicated his feelings.
Sarah listened and responded with care.
They were able to preserve the relationship while also honoring Rafael’s needs.
Scenario 4: Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Scenario 4 suggests that Jack may be showing some Fearful Avoidant Attachment tendencies.
At first, Jack seems highly engaged, attentive, and connected. He is charming, thoughtful, and agreeable. However, when the relationship begins to feel more real or emotionally involved, he suddenly pulls away.
He does not respond to Jill’s text, avoids her phone call, and then ends the relationship by text.
Later, his desire for connection seems to return, and he reaches out again to reconnect.
This push-pull pattern is often seen with fearful avoidant attachment. The person may deeply want connection, but when closeness feels too vulnerable, they may feel trapped or overwhelmed and pull away. Then, when distance feels painful or lonely, they may move back toward the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Attachment styles are not meant to label or shame anyone. They are tools that can help us better understand our relationship patterns.
When we understand our attachment style, we can begin to see what fears, beliefs, and protective strategies may be shaping the way we relate to others.
Awareness is the first step toward change.
With support and intentional practice, it is possible to move toward more secure, honest, and fulfilling relationships.
If you would like to know which attachment style you typically use in relationships, I am offering a free 20-minute Attachment Style Quiz phone call.
During the call, we will go through the quiz together, and I will help you identify your attachment style. This is not a quiz I simply send to you, we will do it together so you can ask questions and better understand your results.
Knowing your attachment style is the first step in understanding the limiting beliefs you may hold about yourself and others. These beliefs may be keeping you from experiencing secure, fulfilling relationships with family, friends, co-workers, and romantic partners.
If you are curious about your attachment style, contact me at agentlecure@verizon.net to schedule your free Attachment Style Quiz call.
Comments