Meeting Our Needs After Regulating Our Nervous System
- Jun 10
- 3 min read
Last week, we discussed emotional triggers, the sensations they can cause in our bodies, and how to identify the emotions that may accompany those sensations. We also learned how to use the 4-7-8 breathing technique as a simple way to help calm the nervous system.
Once you are emotionally regulated, the next step is to ask yourself an important question:
Which of my needs are not being met right now?
When we pause long enough to notice what we need, we can begin to understand what may help us feel more balanced, supported, and emotionally steady. Ask yourself:
What do I need in order to feel emotional relief in a more lasting way?
What action can I take to help get this need met?
The 6 Basic Human Needs
We all have basic human needs that influence the way we think, feel, behave, and relate to others. These needs include:
Growth — the desire to grow, learn, or expand in any area of life.
Contribution — the desire to give, help, serve, or make a difference.
Significance — the desire to feel recognized, important, valued, or meaningful.
Uncertainty — the desire for change, variety, novelty, and exploration.
Love and Connection — the desire to feel and express love, closeness, and belonging.
Certainty — the desire to feel safe, secure, stable, and grounded.
When we are feeling emotionally unsettled, it can be helpful to ask:
Do I need to set a boundary with someone?
Do I need to feel recognized or appreciated?
Do I have an unmet need for safety, connection, growth, or support?
Take some time to think about what you would need in your life in order for this need to feel more fully met. Then consider one small, healthy step you could take toward meeting that need.
A Few Examples
Maybe your relationship partner frequently makes jokes about your clothes, and those comments leave you feeling hurt or embarrassed. In that situation, your unmet need might be for respect, kindness, or emotional safety.
You might say something like:
“When you make jokes about my clothes, I feel hurt. I need you to stop making those comments. If it happens again, I will leave the room.”
This is an example of setting a boundary in order to protect your emotional well-being.
Maybe your boss praised a co-worker for a job well done on a project that both of you worked on. If you are feeling overlooked, your unmet need might be for recognition or significance.
You might respectfully say:
“I’m glad the project went well. I also contributed to that work, and I would appreciate being recognized for my role in it as well.”
This is an example of asking for acknowledgment in a clear and respectful way.
Maybe you feel unsafe or uncomfortable around a certain person in your friend group. Your unmet need might be for safety, certainty, or emotional peace.
In that case, you might choose to decline invitations to events where that person will be present. Or you might decide to spend time with another friend in a setting that feels safer and more supportive.
This is an example of making a choice that honors your need for safety.
Bringing Awareness to Your Needs
Once you are regulated, you are better able to respond instead of react. You can pause, reflect, and ask yourself what you truly need.
Sometimes the need is for rest.
Sometimes it is for reassurance.
Sometimes it is for connection.
Sometimes it is for space.
Sometimes it is for honesty, safety, recognition, or support.
The more you practice identifying your needs, the easier it becomes to make choices that support your emotional well-being.
Next week, we will discuss other types of needs, including personality needs and tertiary needs. We will explore what many of them are, how to identify them for yourself, and how to begin getting them met so you can lead a more fulfilled life.
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